me is me again

I can't stop! I asked to be thin again and it's happening again...I wanted to be normal today I longed for the somewhat normal-ish life I'd led this past year but I couldn't go back! I can't go back now! I'm not hovering that double solid, I've crossed it without a doubt...me trying to be normal-ish again resulted in various binge/purge sessions during the past couple of days. My acid reflux is a burning bitch than ever before and it willonly get worse from here I s'ppose. Bye light translucent-white coloured teeth, hello opaque! That's it, I've lost it, there's nothing left to decide, decisions been made for me. I gave her some authority and she took it all!...Who am I fooling though, I could've known she would...I just hoped --against my better judgement-- that I'd have the control this time...

I guess...at least I know who I am again...

food network

Does anyone else like to watch Food Network just to watch them eat all the foods you can't eat? I find myself watching them eat as if I'm eating along with them! It's weird but somehow it sort of satisfies my hunger to taste certain foods! It doesn't satisfy my hunger, but my hunger to taste.

no boyfriend for now...

How could I've been so fucking stupid?! How did I not see this coming?! I've just been the stupid girlfriend who loves him so much she can't see straight and lies to herself like the classic she's turning out to be: "He'll change. It'll get better. It will. He loves me. I know he does. He'll see that I mean more to him than it does." RIGHT! Since when in bloody hot hell does that ever really happen?! Huh?! WHEN?! I knew the whole time that it wouldn't work...I've just been to scared to admit it. Too door-step-girl to stand up, put my foot down and say, "HEY! No more! I'm out!"

I want him so badly, I love him terribly, I know he does love me...and yet...I don't want this. I know I don't...I know I want something better...at the same time I feel like a horrible person for making it sound as if he isn't good enough. Who am I to say a person isn't good enough?! He really is an amazing person! He needs some direction and he needs discapline! I just don't want this. We all have problems. I know he's hurting. I know he too wants a way out. I feel as though I need to hold on until we get away from here. He's so depressed, he's so sad and so guilty but won't ever share with me, guilty what for? I know him, yet there is this whole part of him that lurks in the dark hiding from me and I feel like I don't know him at all...I look at him and wonder, "Who are you? I love you, but who are you? Who is this man I love so much? What part of you do I love?" I understand it's part of the stupid "man-code" or whatever you want to call it and that most men just don't share personal feeling with people for fear of being deemed weak or insufficient as a man...but it feels deeper than that...there is something hiding inside of him and I don't know what it is. I wish he would show me his true self...

I think this chapter in my life is coming to a close and I'm terrified...call me naive b'coz I've'nt experience much of relationship life, but I'm terrified of leaving/losing him, he's the closet person to me, the only one who knows so much about me, the only one I feel so comfortable with, the only one who knows me, we are so right (yet so wrong)...that's what keeps me...

job? maybe?

I went to my interview just now! Almos caertain I got the job! I should be getting a call anytime tomorrow if not before 12 tonight! I couldn't believe I made it through that! I was nervous as all hell! I was sure they'd take one look at me and my anxious mess of self and shake their heads. I was so happy!...Until I got home that is. I just knew my first real binge (in nearly a year) would come today! Maybe it was the stress? Still...nice. How much more transparent can my teeth get? I know what happens now, she really doesn't have to tell me but of course she did. Why wouldn't she? Time to work my ass off!

On the bright side, my control has gotton SO much better than it was!!! (Ignoring what just happened today of course...)

Ps- I read that body fat becomes water soluble at 109 F and you can sweat it out???
Steam baths can reduce cellulite and a person can burn up to 300cal???
Hmmm, I'm sceptical!

bouncy bouncy rabbit

I actually felt pretty good yesterday! I was so energetic and I just wanted to go go go! I took the pups out and went for a short jog and know what? No pain! Oh my heaven it was so nice to jog without any pain! Maybe it's my shoes...I wore my regular everyday shoes rather than my jogging shoes...tomorrow morn I'll try jogging with my normal pair and see if it helps any.

We went to Montgomery Inn BBQ last night. It wasn't too bad. I allotted for it; did my pre-restaurant-online-menu-study and was prepared for the meal! Ordered a crab cake appetizer and steamed broccoli side. What made things even better is that boyfriend stood up for me! He backed me up because he knows that I'm eating well. Even though I only ate half the crab cake and half the broccoli, he was okay with it and backed me up on it! Ahhh! That's probably what gave me so much energy that night! ^__^ I dunno, things like this make me feel guilty for considering crossing this line I'm teetering on...currently I'm doing nothing wrong cept acknowledging her in my head again...but it's SO hard to have someone screaming in your head all day long with relentless clawing insults because you are sitting on the couch, eating an apple and watching Scrubs on television rather than jogging in place or doing sit-ups...I still don't know which way I'm going to go. But for now, I'm content staying under 800cal and staying on top of my daily exercise...even if she makes me lose it and do more than I planned for, at least I'm eating well. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with 800cal, I think it's just our over-eating population/society in general that makes 700-800cal look bad. It's really not. Look at me? I'm not dying, I'm not weak, I'm not suffering any physical side effects. So I'm not completely down the shit-hole yet...yet...I dunno if I will be or not...if she calls me and I can't not listen, I will be...

.......she's getting louder though

soup for the soul

Okay so we go bulk grocery shopping every 6th or 7th of the month. This month was the first time I really made myself a list and followed through without the bad foods ccalling my name and sneaking their way into my basket. I'm thinking next month I'm stocking up on soup (tomato & basil), yoghurt, and almond milk. I want to go on a sort of a solids fast for a week eating only non-solid foods --if I can manage that-- and see what it does with crossed fingers.

Off to push myself to 303 sit-ups! I don't care if it hurts and I start to weaken at 71! I've to do it b'coz she said so...Strength and control is doing something no matter how much it hurts or how hard it is to breathe. I'm going to do sit-ups until I can't lift my body up even one more time, till then I'm not stopping. I'll prove myself! I'm GOING to be happy and I'm GOING to be thin! I WILL be strong and prove my worth in this world!

i want to float like a feather

"Results for the Losertown Calorie Maintenance Calculator!
As calculated from July 18, 2011.

You said that you are a woman and plan to have a daily caloric intake of 800 calories.

The table shows what you should weigh on a particular date. Calories Used are the calories needed to maintain that weight. Your Calorie Deficit shows the difference between calories needed to maintain the listed weight and that of your set caloric intake."

I calculated this saying I wouldn't exercise and raised my weight by a pound. I wanted to know the the very least amount that I should be losing so there is absolutely no excuse why I can't be down to 92 by this time next month considering she's been making me exercise like crazy even at the times I don't want to and I don't eat junk food anymore or meats; I've no excuse to why I can't make this other than I would really be a failure then! I'm going to lower my calories by 100 at every GW I meet.

oooh the irony

So let's see, I'm in recovery...or am I not? I don't know if I am or I'm not. I'm teetering over the double-solid line in two different worlds: my left foot wanting my right foot to follow it into the mirror to view life from the side that gives me the only control I can access; while my right foot is wanting to lead my right foot away from the mirror to view life as a normal-ish person. I want both sides!!! I'm so confused for what to do. She's screaming at me to follow her, everyone else is screaming at me not to.

Here are the facts:
I hate me. My body disgusts me. I've no control whatsoever. I've lost all/ any strength She ever gave me. I'm a weak bitch with no control and I'm falling into depression.
What is causing these feelings?
I'm over-eating. I'm weak. I'm living my life against what I want to do. I don't exercise as much as I should. I eat crap. I'm fat.
What will fix this?
Get my eating under control. Exercise exercise EXERCISE! Listen to her, she is trying to help me be happy, she is teaching me control and strength that I don't have.

I'm down to 800 cal this week. 100 lower than last. My body functions just fine on this, it's really no big deal so I don't feel guilty at all. Well, not where normal people's standard are concerned. I'm totally guilty where she is concerned coz it obviously isn't doing anything and I'm still stuffing my face, it's just low-cal. I'm a fucking pig!!! But on the other-hand I want to keep it this way for a bit longer b'coz I can have several small meals to look like a pig and not get hawked about it. I'm going to do this slowly. It won't look like I've changed if I snail-pace this...

Goodness I'm fucked!!!

Ha! Look at me! I'm a mess! And I want to study dietics tone a dietician? What am I gonna do? Tell people they should be eating 2,000 or whatever calories when I myself haven't dared go anywhere near 1,300 in 8yrs?! And even in this year of my joke recov I only came that high twice. I'm such a sad excuse for a recovered! I think I'm officially giving up --in secret--. I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't ignore how much this hurts everyday pretending to be normal. I'm giving up.

is it stupid to be envious of your own photos??

I feel completely ridiculous but I sort of am...well, not really envious, more like I wish it was me. Technically it is me, but it's not really. I don't really look like that one bit! At least the photos I take of me --only the ones I take-- are somewhat decent b'coz I can manipulate it: Make the angle to hide things, use the lighting to make my nose look less huge, and I can heavily edit it with PhotoScape. Even then I usually only succeed in a couple photos out of 51-71! --I can get up to five good photos if I'm REALLY lucky-- Then I get excited to use them b'coz I actually feel like I'm a tiny bit attractive which is better than nothing and which is why I get excited to look a bit better than always...that is until I notice something that makes me hate and want to delete it -__-# I always find a photo that I make of me and love it coz it makes me feel like maybe I could be a litto bit cute/pretty and I can pretend and convince myself that I look like that, but then I find something or somethings that make me not like it anymore. Whether it's my big ugly white teeth, my mustache, my freakish eyes, my weirdly small lips, my fat arms, my funky shaped head, my abnormally large hips, my scoliosis or whatever it is! I realize that I bet everyone thinks I'm horrible coz I never agree or take a compliment when someone gives me one in person and yet here I am with a load of photos of myself on Facebook! --I made that  fucking album private coz I just realized this--> I look like a stupid bitch fishing for compliments and a stupid bitch who wants people to talk more about how "cute/pretty" I am by trying to convince me, when really, I just wish they wouldn't compliment me at all! I wish they would shut up about it and stop trying to convince me of what is so clearly not true! I wish they would stop being so selfish! I mean, why do they feel the need to lie to me?! I think they just sense my no-self-esteem and take it as a que to lie to me and push my self-esteem lower with intentions of "being nice to the ugly girl" -__-# NO NEED FOR THAT CRAP! Just leave me alone fuck sake! Don't try to give me a fake compliment just to feed your ego by making yourself feel good coz you "think" you made an ugly person's day by telling her she's pretty when she's so obviously not! Well here's the facts: IT DOESN'T!...Just leave me alone, please. I'd honestly rather be told I'm ugly or fat or stupid coz at least it's a truth. It doesn't hurt me or upset me or make me uncomfortable nearly as much as the lies everyone tries to tell me. They must think I like those stupid ass lies just b'coz I blush, giggle and hide my face; I'm just embarrassed and uncomfortable! I've grown tired of shaking my head no or replying: Not, No I'm not, Whatever. After that it's just a tiresome back-and-forth until I give up and let them think "they've convinced me" or I get this long unnecessary lecture on how I really am cute/pretty and "Who told you you aren't to make you think otherwise?" or "Why don't you think you're cute/pretty?" I don't need that psychology questioning crap from people who lie to me to feel good about themselves.

i hate me

Know what? I'm a fat fuck, that's what. I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror and ignoring the voice screaming in my head: "Look how weak you've become. You've lost all control of yourself. Stop ignoring me, you're nothing without me, obviously! I'm all you've got and you know it! You're a loser without me for fuck sake! Can't you do anything right?!" I've been ignoring her for a year now and what has changed? I'm 7lbs fatter, my self esteem is gone to shit. I didn't think it could get any lower, I s'ppose I was wrong. At least last year it was a snidge higher b'coz I felt in control. Now, I can feel my belly (yes, it's a fucking belly now), I've been lying to myself and convincing myself that it's okay b'coz everyone else thinks I'm better, what the hell?! "Everyone else"???! I'm living my life for "everyone else", why?! I'm the one who has to live with the feelings that come from giving up control, not "everyone else". I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and see this disgusting thing I call my body and hate it and glare at it and flip myself off because looking at me just reminds me what a crap I am. I've somehow been thinking that milk, butter, oil and other fucked foods are okay on occasion?! What the fuck?! I've lost everything but the weight. I'm not me anymore, I don't know who I am. I'm a nobody who's failed at life. I'm bringing myself down to a thousand and alternating 505 squats / 101 lunges / 31 hip thrusts every other day with 3 sit-ups / 303 crunches/71 push-ups! Then I'll slowly increase exercises each week. End of story, no negotiating telling myself it's okay to be fat and have no control because everyone else likes me better me that way, it's not and that way of thinking is fucked up. No one likes me very much anyway, I need to stop doing things to please everyone else and stop basically coaxing them to like me, I need to throw that to shit and start doing what makes ME feel better!

Ps- I'll work up to walking/jogging/running...I have fear of being outside alone...such a STUPID fear!!! I just keep getting more and more pathetic don't I?

i'm confused

Well, I'm not sure what I'm doing really. I'm eating, mostly veggies; I'm exercising, excessively so; and I still hate how I look...is this really how recovery is supposed to go? I need a doctor, I've been saying that since last year but I'm not rich sooo I guess I'll have to deal with this until I get rich...

I'm not a minor but I've never worked. I know, I sound like a complete lazy fuck don't I? Gosh! I began college straight away, succeeded in a few semesters, failed the last two b'coz of severe family issues that caused me to give up on college not to mention my life, then I moved and didn't much think about University until now (5 lazy, failed years later). I was all set and excited to go in August and start on my way to becoming the best flipping dietician anyone has ever seen!...But now I find that I can't start until Spring of next year! Euph! So I'm looking for a job now. Applied for a grocery shop in walking distance --which is good coz I'll get some excersice to and from work...supposing I get the job tha is-- but gosh do I feel like a failure filling out job applications! It's all blank! Blank blank blank! No past experience, no unique abilities, no volunteer work coz then I'll need to provide info that I don't know, no language skills --well, enough to count anyway--, it won't let me say I've got a high school degree from homeschooling so I look like a lazy high school dropout on top of it all! If I ever get hired I'll literally kiss the doors of the place that heirs me!...And then scour my lips with rubbing alcohol, soap, nail polish remover and possibly some dish soap and maybe some laundry detergent depending on how disgusting their doors are...at that thought, maybe not. I'll just celebrate a litto by getting to work early haha! :L

the enemy lover

Ummm...so I think she's back. I was keeping her at a whisper until now but she's starting to get loud with me. I don't like when she's loud b'coz then she'll get cross, it's never good when she's cross! This morning I had a half cup of Heartland raisin granola cereal and a fourth cup of vitamin D enriched whole milk. She wasn't happy about the milk b'coz it's high in calories and fat; neither was I really, regular milk always tastes sour. For lunch I had 1 Gala apple and 2/3tbp low-sodium, low-sugar peanut butter. I told her it would be alright considering the foods it was and the benefits. At first she just "tsk"-ed at me and and said it would be alright, but when I was nearly finished she got upset b'coz I'd eaten it. After I'd finished she was very angry: "You ate it all you fat pig! The whole dam apple! Not to mention the peanut butter! Oh you'll pay for that one!" I felt so horrible! I felt so stupid that I'd gotton myself into it with her. At dinner I thought I'd eat better to keep things quiet: a fourth cup of sweet peas, a fourth cup of corn, a fourth cup of green beans and a fourth cup of chicken flavoured pasta. Now my guilt for eating chicken aided this one and I should have known better, but I ate it. She was furious about all the simple Carbs! Goodness was she furious! Later, only several minutes later, I felt like in binge mode so I literally scarfed down a Neapolitan ice-cream bar that I absolutely hated myself for eating! She stopped my binge at the first tiny bite of Twizzler (and I hate them anyway!) I tossed the rest and spit it out. Then I had several sips of guilt syrupped ICEE that I regretted like crazy! Now she won't let me stop exercising! I've got to exercise as much as possible. I need to pay for what I did. I barely can keep her quiet long enough to get my thoughts out here...I'm so tired. I don't want to exercise anymore. I hurt. I'm tired. I'd much rather lie down and go to sleep but I can't...

Update:

I'm completely exhausted!!! I really want to just collapse and lay down but I have a feeling I'm not allowed to yet. I did 505-606 squats, about 303 lunges, 101 advanced lunges, lay-down bicycle for about 5-10min, jogged in place for two songs, and did hip thrusts and leg lifts for 10min. No one knows I'm somewhat addicted to exercise; somewhat b'coz I don't know if it's me or her who is addicted... I am utterly exhausted! I just want some rest...but I CAN'T!!! =/

I'd absolutely no idea my endurance was so high! I think she's doing it, really; or tapping into a part of me I can't find on my own or something. I need her for strength coz even though I'm spent, utterly and completely spent, I'm doing it...I realize that now. Now I see why it is good to write. I've discovered where my strength lies.