08 August 2011

what needs to be done!

Okay! I had yet another big glitch in my life and for a moment I felt lost in this hugely complicated world, but now I'm seeing things through new eyes. I'm going to see things as a positive no matter the negatives! I'm turning a blind-eye toward them lest they drag me back to cutting, burning and beating my legs to he'll. "No more've that silliness, my dear. I say you've to live for your future! Don't like your situation now? Then in all possibility, you might as well strive to fix it or else spend you're days wallowing in what went wrong like a sad sap you normally are! No more of that ever-downward melancholic cycle you get caught up in trying to figure out why these things happen to you and not 'normal' people; fact is, darling, only thing making these normal people what you call normal is their ability to live optimistically and courage to fail while working to better their life. Only thing keeping you down is your inability to look for light and your unchanging ability to only see the darkness. Now go and find that light you sorry litto girl you! Become un-sorry! Become PROUD!" is what I heard myself say.

So... looking for light:
Finding a job means money.
Money means saving.
Saving means being able to support myself.
Being able to support myself means strength, my baby (my dog) and school.
Strength means not weak/Chibiko means no more worry/School means success!
Not being weak, Chibiko by my side and school means happiness!
Happiness means a good future.
A good future means a stable environment in which to also succeed in school.
Success in school means a successful job.
A successful job means living comfortably.
Living comfortably while having my dream job means a life fulfilled as I've wanted...

Step by step. I've to remember to work things out one at a time, do things as they come, see myself as a cause, not an effect. My past has been rough, my present is a bit rocky, but only I can change that. It all starts with a job. That is nearly taken care of, I've put in a total of nearly thirty-one applications in two days.

Breathe, relax, remember the future, if one thing fails don't give in to depression, giving in will not get me where I want to go, it will hinder me and keep me sad.


Ps- With this new outlook I've regained control of my eating. No more binges, no more purges, I'm staying at a safe 800 calorie limit and am sticking to my healthy foods...I feel a weight lifted and I hope, with all my being, that this is permanent. So long as I keep away from bad foods, my eating is controlled...This feels nice, it really does!

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