12 August 2011

now an employee!

Step one, COMPLETE! I got the job at Subway haha! I start Wednesday at 6:30a! I was nervous I wouldn't find a pair of fitting black pants fast enough but I'd like to thank Kmart's kid section! Most nobody has pants in a size 0, much less in BLACK! I found out I'm a size 12 in kids skinnies ^^ sorta pleased with myself...but also trying to push back the urge to want that kid 12 to be a kid 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, etc...

08 August 2011

what needs to be done!

Okay! I had yet another big glitch in my life and for a moment I felt lost in this hugely complicated world, but now I'm seeing things through new eyes. I'm going to see things as a positive no matter the negatives! I'm turning a blind-eye toward them lest they drag me back to cutting, burning and beating my legs to he'll. "No more've that silliness, my dear. I say you've to live for your future! Don't like your situation now? Then in all possibility, you might as well strive to fix it or else spend you're days wallowing in what went wrong like a sad sap you normally are! No more of that ever-downward melancholic cycle you get caught up in trying to figure out why these things happen to you and not 'normal' people; fact is, darling, only thing making these normal people what you call normal is their ability to live optimistically and courage to fail while working to better their life. Only thing keeping you down is your inability to look for light and your unchanging ability to only see the darkness. Now go and find that light you sorry litto girl you! Become un-sorry! Become PROUD!" is what I heard myself say.

So... looking for light:
Finding a job means money.
Money means saving.
Saving means being able to support myself.
Being able to support myself means strength, my baby (my dog) and school.
Strength means not weak/Chibiko means no more worry/School means success!
Not being weak, Chibiko by my side and school means happiness!
Happiness means a good future.
A good future means a stable environment in which to also succeed in school.
Success in school means a successful job.
A successful job means living comfortably.
Living comfortably while having my dream job means a life fulfilled as I've wanted...

Step by step. I've to remember to work things out one at a time, do things as they come, see myself as a cause, not an effect. My past has been rough, my present is a bit rocky, but only I can change that. It all starts with a job. That is nearly taken care of, I've put in a total of nearly thirty-one applications in two days.

Breathe, relax, remember the future, if one thing fails don't give in to depression, giving in will not get me where I want to go, it will hinder me and keep me sad.


Ps- With this new outlook I've regained control of my eating. No more binges, no more purges, I'm staying at a safe 800 calorie limit and am sticking to my healthy foods...I feel a weight lifted and I hope, with all my being, that this is permanent. So long as I keep away from bad foods, my eating is controlled...This feels nice, it really does!

27 July 2011

me is me again

I can't stop! I asked to be thin again and it's happening again...I wanted to be normal today I longed for the somewhat normal-ish life I'd led this past year but I couldn't go back! I can't go back now! I'm not hovering that double solid, I've crossed it without a doubt...me trying to be normal-ish again resulted in various binge/purge sessions during the past couple of days. My acid reflux is a burning bitch than ever before and it willonly get worse from here I s'ppose. Bye light translucent-white coloured teeth, hello opaque! That's it, I've lost it, there's nothing left to decide, decisions been made for me. I gave her some authority and she took it all!...Who am I fooling though, I could've known she would...I just hoped --against my better judgement-- that I'd have the control this time...

I guess...at least I know who I am again...

25 July 2011

food network

Does anyone else like to watch Food Network just to watch them eat all the foods you can't eat? I find myself watching them eat as if I'm eating along with them! It's weird but somehow it sort of satisfies my hunger to taste certain foods! It doesn't satisfy my hunger, but my hunger to taste.

23 July 2011

no boyfriend for now...

How could I've been so fucking stupid?! How did I not see this coming?! I've just been the stupid girlfriend who loves him so much she can't see straight and lies to herself like the classic she's turning out to be: "He'll change. It'll get better. It will. He loves me. I know he does. He'll see that I mean more to him than it does." RIGHT! Since when in bloody hot hell does that ever really happen?! Huh?! WHEN?! I knew the whole time that it wouldn't work...I've just been to scared to admit it. Too door-step-girl to stand up, put my foot down and say, "HEY! No more! I'm out!"

I want him so badly, I love him terribly, I know he does love me...and yet...I don't want this. I know I don't...I know I want something better...at the same time I feel like a horrible person for making it sound as if he isn't good enough. Who am I to say a person isn't good enough?! He really is an amazing person! He needs some direction and he needs discapline! I just don't want this. We all have problems. I know he's hurting. I know he too wants a way out. I feel as though I need to hold on until we get away from here. He's so depressed, he's so sad and so guilty but won't ever share with me, guilty what for? I know him, yet there is this whole part of him that lurks in the dark hiding from me and I feel like I don't know him at all...I look at him and wonder, "Who are you? I love you, but who are you? Who is this man I love so much? What part of you do I love?" I understand it's part of the stupid "man-code" or whatever you want to call it and that most men just don't share personal feeling with people for fear of being deemed weak or insufficient as a man...but it feels deeper than that...there is something hiding inside of him and I don't know what it is. I wish he would show me his true self...

I think this chapter in my life is coming to a close and I'm terrified...call me naive b'coz I've'nt experience much of relationship life, but I'm terrified of leaving/losing him, he's the closet person to me, the only one who knows so much about me, the only one I feel so comfortable with, the only one who knows me, we are so right (yet so wrong)...that's what keeps me...

21 July 2011

job? maybe?

I went to my interview just now! Almos caertain I got the job! I should be getting a call anytime tomorrow if not before 12 tonight! I couldn't believe I made it through that! I was nervous as all hell! I was sure they'd take one look at me and my anxious mess of self and shake their heads. I was so happy!...Until I got home that is. I just knew my first real binge (in nearly a year) would come today! Maybe it was the stress? Still...nice. How much more transparent can my teeth get? I know what happens now, she really doesn't have to tell me but of course she did. Why wouldn't she? Time to work my ass off!

On the bright side, my control has gotton SO much better than it was!!! (Ignoring what just happened today of course...)

Ps- I read that body fat becomes water soluble at 109 F and you can sweat it out???
Steam baths can reduce cellulite and a person can burn up to 300cal???
Hmmm, I'm sceptical!

20 July 2011

bouncy bouncy rabbit

I actually felt pretty good yesterday! I was so energetic and I just wanted to go go go! I took the pups out and went for a short jog and know what? No pain! Oh my heaven it was so nice to jog without any pain! Maybe it's my shoes...I wore my regular everyday shoes rather than my jogging shoes...tomorrow morn I'll try jogging with my normal pair and see if it helps any.

We went to Montgomery Inn BBQ last night. It wasn't too bad. I allotted for it; did my pre-restaurant-online-menu-study and was prepared for the meal! Ordered a crab cake appetizer and steamed broccoli side. What made things even better is that boyfriend stood up for me! He backed me up because he knows that I'm eating well. Even though I only ate half the crab cake and half the broccoli, he was okay with it and backed me up on it! Ahhh! That's probably what gave me so much energy that night! ^__^ I dunno, things like this make me feel guilty for considering crossing this line I'm teetering on...currently I'm doing nothing wrong cept acknowledging her in my head again...but it's SO hard to have someone screaming in your head all day long with relentless clawing insults because you are sitting on the couch, eating an apple and watching Scrubs on television rather than jogging in place or doing sit-ups...I still don't know which way I'm going to go. But for now, I'm content staying under 800cal and staying on top of my daily exercise...even if she makes me lose it and do more than I planned for, at least I'm eating well. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with 800cal, I think it's just our over-eating population/society in general that makes 700-800cal look bad. It's really not. Look at me? I'm not dying, I'm not weak, I'm not suffering any physical side effects. So I'm not completely down the shit-hole yet...yet...I dunno if I will be or not...if she calls me and I can't not listen, I will be...

.......she's getting louder though