23 July 2011

no boyfriend for now...

How could I've been so fucking stupid?! How did I not see this coming?! I've just been the stupid girlfriend who loves him so much she can't see straight and lies to herself like the classic she's turning out to be: "He'll change. It'll get better. It will. He loves me. I know he does. He'll see that I mean more to him than it does." RIGHT! Since when in bloody hot hell does that ever really happen?! Huh?! WHEN?! I knew the whole time that it wouldn't work...I've just been to scared to admit it. Too door-step-girl to stand up, put my foot down and say, "HEY! No more! I'm out!"

I want him so badly, I love him terribly, I know he does love me...and yet...I don't want this. I know I don't...I know I want something better...at the same time I feel like a horrible person for making it sound as if he isn't good enough. Who am I to say a person isn't good enough?! He really is an amazing person! He needs some direction and he needs discapline! I just don't want this. We all have problems. I know he's hurting. I know he too wants a way out. I feel as though I need to hold on until we get away from here. He's so depressed, he's so sad and so guilty but won't ever share with me, guilty what for? I know him, yet there is this whole part of him that lurks in the dark hiding from me and I feel like I don't know him at all...I look at him and wonder, "Who are you? I love you, but who are you? Who is this man I love so much? What part of you do I love?" I understand it's part of the stupid "man-code" or whatever you want to call it and that most men just don't share personal feeling with people for fear of being deemed weak or insufficient as a man...but it feels deeper than that...there is something hiding inside of him and I don't know what it is. I wish he would show me his true self...

I think this chapter in my life is coming to a close and I'm terrified...call me naive b'coz I've'nt experience much of relationship life, but I'm terrified of leaving/losing him, he's the closet person to me, the only one who knows so much about me, the only one I feel so comfortable with, the only one who knows me, we are so right (yet so wrong)...that's what keeps me...


  1. oh hun im so sorry. i cant even begin to imagine how hard this is for you.i understand that you are hurt right now but wait till you have a lucid, clear moment before you decide you and boyfriends futures together. whatever you choose will be right. and as cheesy as it sounds you should follow your heart. you and him both have an addiction in a way ( you with ana and him with pills) so just remember fighting it is never easy. stay strong and keep your head up.

  2. wow. ouch. scary. YUK. huge. been there :-(
    scary place and NOT how I picture myself, so I got out of there and will never go back. maybe this will help him to WAKE UP. Be smart, keep talking to your friends for advice but make your own decisions. we're here to listen babe.