07 July 2011

i hate me

Know what? I'm a fat fuck, that's what. I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror and ignoring the voice screaming in my head: "Look how weak you've become. You've lost all control of yourself. Stop ignoring me, you're nothing without me, obviously! I'm all you've got and you know it! You're a loser without me for fuck sake! Can't you do anything right?!" I've been ignoring her for a year now and what has changed? I'm 7lbs fatter, my self esteem is gone to shit. I didn't think it could get any lower, I s'ppose I was wrong. At least last year it was a snidge higher b'coz I felt in control. Now, I can feel my belly (yes, it's a fucking belly now), I've been lying to myself and convincing myself that it's okay b'coz everyone else thinks I'm better, what the hell?! "Everyone else"???! I'm living my life for "everyone else", why?! I'm the one who has to live with the feelings that come from giving up control, not "everyone else". I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and see this disgusting thing I call my body and hate it and glare at it and flip myself off because looking at me just reminds me what a crap I am. I've somehow been thinking that milk, butter, oil and other fucked foods are okay on occasion?! What the fuck?! I've lost everything but the weight. I'm not me anymore, I don't know who I am. I'm a nobody who's failed at life. I'm bringing myself down to a thousand and alternating 505 squats / 101 lunges / 31 hip thrusts every other day with 3 sit-ups / 303 crunches/71 push-ups! Then I'll slowly increase exercises each week. End of story, no negotiating telling myself it's okay to be fat and have no control because everyone else likes me better me that way, it's not and that way of thinking is fucked up. No one likes me very much anyway, I need to stop doing things to please everyone else and stop basically coaxing them to like me, I need to throw that to shit and start doing what makes ME feel better!

Ps- I'll work up to walking/jogging/running...I have fear of being outside alone...such a STUPID fear!!! I just keep getting more and more pathetic don't I?

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