17 July 2011

oooh the irony

So let's see, I'm in recovery...or am I not? I don't know if I am or I'm not. I'm teetering over the double-solid line in two different worlds: my left foot wanting my right foot to follow it into the mirror to view life from the side that gives me the only control I can access; while my right foot is wanting to lead my right foot away from the mirror to view life as a normal-ish person. I want both sides!!! I'm so confused for what to do. She's screaming at me to follow her, everyone else is screaming at me not to.

Here are the facts:
I hate me. My body disgusts me. I've no control whatsoever. I've lost all/ any strength She ever gave me. I'm a weak bitch with no control and I'm falling into depression.
What is causing these feelings?
I'm over-eating. I'm weak. I'm living my life against what I want to do. I don't exercise as much as I should. I eat crap. I'm fat.
What will fix this?
Get my eating under control. Exercise exercise EXERCISE! Listen to her, she is trying to help me be happy, she is teaching me control and strength that I don't have.

I'm down to 800 cal this week. 100 lower than last. My body functions just fine on this, it's really no big deal so I don't feel guilty at all. Well, not where normal people's standard are concerned. I'm totally guilty where she is concerned coz it obviously isn't doing anything and I'm still stuffing my face, it's just low-cal. I'm a fucking pig!!! But on the other-hand I want to keep it this way for a bit longer b'coz I can have several small meals to look like a pig and not get hawked about it. I'm going to do this slowly. It won't look like I've changed if I snail-pace this...

Goodness I'm fucked!!!

Ha! Look at me! I'm a mess! And I want to study dietics tone a dietician? What am I gonna do? Tell people they should be eating 2,000 or whatever calories when I myself haven't dared go anywhere near 1,300 in 8yrs?! And even in this year of my joke recov I only came that high twice. I'm such a sad excuse for a recovered! I think I'm officially giving up --in secret--. I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't ignore how much this hurts everyday pretending to be normal. I'm giving up.

1 comment:

  1. oh hun im so sorry. listen, recovery from what ive read takes years to get right.in a way its just like being EDNOS or ana, you have good days and bad. i always say to look for the middle ground. maybe you pushed yourself too early towards the higher calorie counts? even being at 800-1200 a day is amazing in my book. all i want anymore is to be better and love my body ( but i guess girls like us cant have both huh lol) honestly, take it one step at a time.recovery is always the goal for ana's in the end. the fact of the matter is that you wont die in a year if you spend that year slowly raising your calorie intakes from say 800 to 1500 in 12 months. thats what i plan on doing for myself when im finally able to admit i have a problem. its like restricting in reverse :P rushing this wont work. but for godsake just be happy! that is what truly matters.
    love ya!