03 July 2011

the enemy lover

Ummm...so I think she's back. I was keeping her at a whisper until now but she's starting to get loud with me. I don't like when she's loud b'coz then she'll get cross, it's never good when she's cross! This morning I had a half cup of Heartland raisin granola cereal and a fourth cup of vitamin D enriched whole milk. She wasn't happy about the milk b'coz it's high in calories and fat; neither was I really, regular milk always tastes sour. For lunch I had 1 Gala apple and 2/3tbp low-sodium, low-sugar peanut butter. I told her it would be alright considering the foods it was and the benefits. At first she just "tsk"-ed at me and and said it would be alright, but when I was nearly finished she got upset b'coz I'd eaten it. After I'd finished she was very angry: "You ate it all you fat pig! The whole dam apple! Not to mention the peanut butter! Oh you'll pay for that one!" I felt so horrible! I felt so stupid that I'd gotton myself into it with her. At dinner I thought I'd eat better to keep things quiet: a fourth cup of sweet peas, a fourth cup of corn, a fourth cup of green beans and a fourth cup of chicken flavoured pasta. Now my guilt for eating chicken aided this one and I should have known better, but I ate it. She was furious about all the simple Carbs! Goodness was she furious! Later, only several minutes later, I felt like in binge mode so I literally scarfed down a Neapolitan ice-cream bar that I absolutely hated myself for eating! She stopped my binge at the first tiny bite of Twizzler (and I hate them anyway!) I tossed the rest and spit it out. Then I had several sips of guilt syrupped ICEE that I regretted like crazy! Now she won't let me stop exercising! I've got to exercise as much as possible. I need to pay for what I did. I barely can keep her quiet long enough to get my thoughts out here...I'm so tired. I don't want to exercise anymore. I hurt. I'm tired. I'd much rather lie down and go to sleep but I can't...

I'm completely exhausted!!! I really want to just collapse and lay down but I have a feeling I'm not allowed to yet. I did 505-606 squats, about 303 lunges, 101 advanced lunges, lay-down bicycle for about 5-10min, jogged in place for two songs, and did hip thrusts and leg lifts for 10min. No one knows I'm somewhat addicted to exercise; somewhat b'coz I don't know if it's me or her who is addicted... I am utterly exhausted! I just want some rest...but I CAN'T!!! =/
I'd absolutely no idea my endurance was so high! I think she's doing it, really; or tapping into a part of me I can't find on my own or something. I need her for strength coz even though I'm spent, utterly and completely spent, I'm doing it...I realize that now. Now I see why it is good to write. I've discovered where my strength lies.

1 comment:

  1. i read this and nearly cried, i have been there sooo many times. running in place for 2 or 3 hours, lunges, leg lifts, anything to burn off the guilt. it hurts but it hurts more to stop. im right there with you on this