15 July 2011

is it stupid to be envious of your own photos??

I feel completely ridiculous but I sort of am...well, not really envious, more like I wish it was me. Technically it is me, but it's not really. I don't really look like that one bit! At least the photos I take of me --only the ones I take-- are somewhat decent b'coz I can manipulate it: Make the angle to hide things, use the lighting to make my nose look less huge, and I can heavily edit it with PhotoScape. Even then I usually only succeed in a couple photos out of 51-71! --I can get up to five good photos if I'm REALLY lucky-- Then I get excited to use them b'coz I actually feel like I'm a tiny bit attractive which is better than nothing and which is why I get excited to look a bit better than always...that is until I notice something that makes me hate and want to delete it -__-# I always find a photo that I make of me and love it coz it makes me feel like maybe I could be a litto bit cute/pretty and I can pretend and convince myself that I look like that, but then I find something or somethings that make me not like it anymore. Whether it's my big ugly white teeth, my mustache, my freakish eyes, my weirdly small lips, my fat arms, my funky shaped head, my abnormally large hips, my scoliosis or whatever it is! I realize that I bet everyone thinks I'm horrible coz I never agree or take a compliment when someone gives me one in person and yet here I am with a load of photos of myself on Facebook! --I made that  fucking album private coz I just realized this--> I look like a stupid bitch fishing for compliments and a stupid bitch who wants people to talk more about how "cute/pretty" I am by trying to convince me, when really, I just wish they wouldn't compliment me at all! I wish they would shut up about it and stop trying to convince me of what is so clearly not true! I wish they would stop being so selfish! I mean, why do they feel the need to lie to me?! I think they just sense my no-self-esteem and take it as a que to lie to me and push my self-esteem lower with intentions of "being nice to the ugly girl" -__-# NO NEED FOR THAT CRAP! Just leave me alone fuck sake! Don't try to give me a fake compliment just to feed your ego by making yourself feel good coz you "think" you made an ugly person's day by telling her she's pretty when she's so obviously not! Well here's the facts: IT DOESN'T!...Just leave me alone, please. I'd honestly rather be told I'm ugly or fat or stupid coz at least it's a truth. It doesn't hurt me or upset me or make me uncomfortable nearly as much as the lies everyone tries to tell me. They must think I like those stupid ass lies just b'coz I blush, giggle and hide my face; I'm just embarrassed and uncomfortable! I've grown tired of shaking my head no or replying: Not, No I'm not, Whatever. After that it's just a tiresome back-and-forth until I give up and let them think "they've convinced me" or I get this long unnecessary lecture on how I really am cute/pretty and "Who told you you aren't to make you think otherwise?" or "Why don't you think you're cute/pretty?" I don't need that psychology questioning crap from people who lie to me to feel good about themselves.

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